


To He Whom Loathes Himself

by orphan_account



Category: Red Dead Redemption (Video Games)
Genre: Accidental Coming Out, Angst with a Happy Ending, Arthur is not drunk and decides to comfort him, Comfort, Coming Out, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, Kieran accidentally comes out, Light Angst, Panic Attacks, Please proceed with caution!, Self-Harm, The self harm tag is because Kieran claws at his wrists during a panic attack, Which is most definitely a thing I do unintentionally and it fucking sucks, he hates himself for being gay because it's olden times
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-15
Updated: 2020-05-14
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:55:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24191698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: When he looks around his new camp, Kieran is thankful for many things.The situation he finds himself in, however, is not one of those things.
Relationships: Kieran Duffy & Arthur Morgan
Kudos: 41





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey!  
> This is my first RDR2 fic, and I know some of the characters may be a bit OOC. I apologise beforehand.
> 
> Also, warning! Kieran has a mild panic attack and during that, he claws at his wrists and hurts himself intentionally. If that triggers you or makes you uncomfortable, please be careful.  
> This isn't a shipping fic, (not that Kieran X Arthur bothers me) and is rather just Arthur being a comforting pal to Kieran.

When Kieran looked around his new camp, he felt thankful.

Thankful for being alive, thankful for the other gang members taking some semblance of pity on him and keeping him around, thankful that he had escaped the grasp of O'Driscolls'.

Goodness, there were many things to be thankful for.

  
  


However, the situation he was in, that was not one of them.

He remembers the warm, sultry look a woman at the saloon in Valentine had given him, and the drunken, confused looks on the other men's faces when he awkwardly denied her and shuffled uncomfortably in his seat when she looked confused as well.

The next night at the fire, nearly everyone was sat down for whatever reason, and Kieran's encounter with the lady was the first thing to be touched on by those who had seen it.

"Jesus, O'Driscoll! I knew you were a weirdo, but saying no to a pretty, willing lady? God." Micah chortled, taking a chug from his whiskey bottle while the others all laughed. Kieran grimaced.

"Well, for one, I-I am  _ not _ an O'Driscoll! And second, I.. uh.. she was.." He stuttered out, crossing his arms and looking bashfully at the ground.

Bill cackled, shaking his head as he spoke in a slurred voice, "What? Can't come up with a reason why you acted like a lassoed deer?"

As the rest of the group cackled and Kieran flushed in embarrassment, Dutch stepped to the front of the fire.

"C'mon, y'all. He may be a new member and he may have once been a damn O'Driscoll, but there's no need to tease him. Whatever this is about, I'm sure you're misunderstanding what he did."

"Dutch, are you bein' serious? This scrawny little motherfucker turned down a pretty lady at a bar for no damn reason and we can't tease him for it? If you really want him to integrate into the group properly, let us make fun of him like we would anyone else." Micah said with a smirk. Dutch rolled his eyes.

"Alright, alright. Just don't get on him too bad." He walked back off to his tent. 

Kieran was sure everyone heard his sad sigh, but nobody seemed to care.

  
  


The night went on for a few more hours, Kieran being the center of (not so good) attention for a good hour before everyone had finished having their fun with him.

"And I said.. I said, 'H-hey, you! Ugly bastard! Your hat is too hideous for me to withstand!' and then I punched 'im!" John nearly shouted, his fifth bottle of alcohol splashing on him as he raised his fist into the air. The other men cheered loudly, drunken minds clearly believing the tale. Kieran was a bit buzzed himself, but he could tell how exaggerated the story really was.

"Really? You punched him and knocked him out with one hit because his hat was too ugly?" Kieran snapped at John, breaking the spell of silence from Kieran's little corner.

"Fuck yes I did! You not believing me, O'Driscoll?" John stood up and puffed his chest out.

"I'm not a goddamn O'Driscoll! I'm Kieran  _ Duffy  _ and I don't run with them no more!" Kieran stood up as well, balling his fists up and baring his teeth, feeling his face grow red.

"Well, you sure act like one of them sometimes! Being all brooding but when a lady offers herself to ya, you turn her down and skitter off like a damn rodent!" John stepped closer to Kieran, reaching to grab him by the collar of his shirt but missing when Kieran stepped back.

"I didn't turn her down cause I'm a weird, nasty O'Driscoll, I turned her down because  _ I like men! _ " Kieran felt himself explode, all of the breath in his body escaping him and his eyes nearly bulging from their sockets.

But before he could keep yelling, he realized what he had said, and how quiet John and the rest of the group had gotten in the second it took to process. 

Kieran's face dropped quickly from pure anger to shock and shame, tears pricking at the corners of his eyes and skin going pale.

He turned around, took a deep breath, and ran.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kieran hated himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: This takes place in Horseshoe Overlook soon after Arthur, John, Bill, and Kieran raid the O'Driscoll cabin/camp in search of Colm after Kieran promises that's where Colm is! Just to add.

Kieran felt the wind hitting his face, the distant smell of the campfire lingering in the air. 

Tears flowed freely down his face, short and quiet sniffling audible to whatever roamed the forest.

He collapsed against a tree, curling his knees up to chest and shoving his face against his crossed arms.

He was so fucking stupid. The yelling, the reveal, the silence that followed, it all felt too familiar to the dreams he'd been haunted with for so long.

He was disgusting, too. Going against the morals of so many, his interests leaning the opposite of how they should've been. 

He should have just said yes to the lady in the bar. Should have just gone along with it so he wouldn't have gotten teased so badly. Maybe then he wouldn't have been such a goddamn idiot.

  
  


"Kieran? You out here?" Called a familiar voice. 

Arthur.

Kieran had always liked Arthur Morgan. Not just for his looks and whatnot, but for the uncommon valor he had, and the tinge of empathy forever lingering in his tone when he spoke to Kieran. 

He had forgiven him when he got the location of Colm wrong, had convinced Dutch to take Kieran in even if he had at one time run with their rival gang. The look he had given Kieran then was full of pity and stress, but had grown to a friendly and helpful expression when Kieran now spoke to him.

"I-I'm down here.." Kieran called back softly, wiping away tears and blowing his nose into his sleeve. He hoped he didn't look too messy.

"Kieran, there you are. Didn't know if I'd find you after you just ran off into the woods. Are you alright?" Arthur asked, crouching next to Kieran and looking concerned.

"Yeah, I'm.. I'm okay. I-I'm fine." Kieran couldn't help but stutter and mumble.

"Sorry to tell you, but you're clearly not that okay. You look like a damn wreck." Arthur pulled a rag out of his pocket and handed it to Kieran, patting his shoulder gently as he wiped his face.

"I guess I do. I just couldn't handle it when I bursted out those.. damned words." Kieran muttered the last part, digging his nails into his wrists and clawing as hard as he could. 

Arthur's expression only grew more sympathetic, a mockery of someone who should have reasonably cared. There wasn't any true reason to care for Kieran now.

".. It's okay." Arthur said, his voice clear and concise. 

Kieran once again felt breath leave his chest faster than he could inhale.

"I.. what?" He asked, feeling blood welling up on his wrists as his grip grew firmer.

"It's okay you like men. It's okay that you turned down that woman at the saloon. Everything you've said and done is okay. Nobody is angry at you, Kieran." 

"Why.. why aren't they? I'm horrible, Arthur. I'm a goddamn disgrace."

"God.. no, you ain't. You ain't a disgrace and you ain't horrible. You're just fine the way you are, and no amount of running away and crying to yerself in the woods is gonna change that."

Kieran felt the lingering tears in his eyes dry, his breathing growing steady. Arthur sounded honest and true, though he couldn't exactly be sure the man was truly speaking from his heart. He was an outlaw and liar, after all.

"I s-suppose you might be right. I just worry a bit thinking of how you all might think of me, might want to toss me out after telling you a bit too much information." Kieran pulled his hands away from his wrists, wiping the traces of blood on his sleeves.

"It's going to be alright. You ain't done nothing wrong in exploding out there, and.." Arthur paused, shrugging and grinning in the darkness,

"They're all probably too drunk to remember."


End file.
